Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!