Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Why font matters.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Always…
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.