ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30