@SubsistingPasse: Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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@JimmerThatisAll: If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
@PaigeKellerman: Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
@MartaEffing: [first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*