@AGreaterMonster: Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.
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@LoneWolfStories: Her: Let's go shopping. Me: In your dreams. Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi. Me: Why are we still here?
@JohnLyonTweets: [flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@just1fool: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs.
@Epygma: *i get chased into a dark alley* Please no *two men walk up to me holding a knife* "If you join our insurance you can save up to-" NOOOOOOO