@AGreaterMonster: Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.
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@ericsshadow: [first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone
@TheDailySchmuck: 1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge. 2016: *watching cat videos*
@shkeeber: Him: I'm tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay. Me: Thanks. I'm tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
@flashember: [Worm sitting alone] WAITER: Dinner for 1? Dumb question W: But- *worm cuts self in half* *waiter shrieks* 2nd WORM: I'll have the prime rib