I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
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I’m an avid indoorsman.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Not today
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.