ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil