“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
i made a craigslist ad !
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.