* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Pickled cat.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.