And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
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Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal