*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’d hang this in my house.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?