*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Möther may I have a snäck
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
After 35, your body ages in dog years