My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
asked my bf how work was today
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.