@JGrumbie: Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.
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@icrushedmyhalo: Boss: Lunch meeting, let's go. Me: Do I have to? Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol. Me: *moonwalks to the car*
@MableGertrude: I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
@ch000ch: the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
@FeverFlave: [inventing worcestershire sauce] Lea: We'll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable. Perrins: That might work.