[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
You Might Also Like
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Finally! 😈
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Good morning.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?