@JGrumbie: Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.
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@shopkins776: Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
@iwearaonesie: wife: How was work? [flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast"] me:Good
@Amburglar_: I hate when I'm getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says "my thumbs hurt." It's not like I ever say "My jaw hurts." I finish the job.
@rzarosco: Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam