Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
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By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?