Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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email: CC
my brain: corn cob
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid