@huntigula: Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus' life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
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@chuuew: ME: [gets into a car accident] EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're trying to save lives
@ScottLinnen: Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
@TheSadnesses: [first date] “So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.” [my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]