Wait a minute…
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.