@kelkulus: Fun Christmas Trivia: "Myrrh" is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.
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@Thedudish: Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
@squirrel74wkgn: [slowly removing special glasses] Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I'm over here
@zachreinert03: When my roommate won't wash the dishes I always leave a note'hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep'
@Shower4Thought: One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.