So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
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The internet is full of many things
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.