Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
You Might Also Like
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
fly smarter, not harder
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Effort made
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork