Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.