Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
no regrets
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”