Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Lmao
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.