Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.