Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Alexa: *deep breath*
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg