Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Kermit goes Blue.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.