Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.