@MrDelFreaky: Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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@scott_towel: My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
@DirtMcTurd: [friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!
@ComedicBust: *Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!
@Marcmywords2: If you're smoking weed on the way to Home Depot I can predict your future, in 2 hrs you're going back to Home Depot.