Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me opening up to someone
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window