Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
ibopfufen
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do