Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”