Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.