ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.