FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality