FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
What the dentist sees
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.