@dumbbeezie: Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?

@SmartassChef: Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes"

@ilovepie84: If we just refer to ISIS as "Nickelback" maybe nobody will want to join them

@mrjohntofu: I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@AmishPornStar1: Best part about marriage? NO MORE CONDOMS!!! Worst part about marriage? No more sex.