Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
You Might Also Like
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
This is always good for a laugh.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money