[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
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Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?