FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.