Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…