Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.