Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
You Might Also Like
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Taliband
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
God, I love Scotland
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.