Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
🖤✌🏽
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.