“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You Might Also Like
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
all bases covered
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
United Steaks of America
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.