Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Best seat on the street 😍
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.