Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
This could be us but you eatin’