Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I ate everything, including the H.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.