@onelongbender: Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn't always talking about the liquor.
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@simoncholland: Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on? Stop talking in secret code.
@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".