my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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what’s the point then??
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*