@onelongbender: Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn't always talking about the liquor.
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@quintabrunson: Man on the street: girl ya cute. Can’t tell if you’re 14 or 17. Me: i can tell that either way you’re going to jail
@SufficientCharm: GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. "But what if it's TOO much awesome?" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
@meganyyb: Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?