When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Pandas 🐼🖤
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.