Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
You Might Also Like
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.