Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room