FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Said the murderer.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-